Love Language: 5 Words That Will Ruin Your Marriage - Psych Central

This article from YourTango was written by Julie Orlov.

Words are powerful. They can cut you, heal you, inspire you, and stop you from certain actions. Learning the language of?a strong, healthy relationship or marriage?takes time and diligence, but saying some words regularly may cause irreparable damage.

Here are five words that are destined to cause damage to your relationship or marriage.

1.? ?Never.??

?Never? implies a sense of hopelessness and finality. When you use ?never,? you?re telling your spouse that they are no good, will never be any good and that there?s no hope for change. It?s an all-or-nothing phrase that does not lend itself to listening, compromising and creating good will.

2.??Always.??

?Always? implies a sense of rigidity and righteousness. When you use ?always,? you?re telling your spouse that they are wrong, you are right, and that there?s nothing that can be done about it. It?s also an all-or-nothing phrase, and it does not lend itself to understanding, learning, or healing.

3.??But.??

?But? implies a sense of manipulation and a lack of integrity. When you use ?but,? you negate whatever was said before. It invalidates your message and turns a positive statement into a negative one. It?s a conjunction that does not lend itself to building trust, credibility and intimacy. Similar words to avoid include ?however? and ?although.?

4.??*#%&.??

Use your imagination and fill in the blanks and what you?re left with is a vulgar, obscenity-laced attack. Any way you look at it, attacking your spouse by name-calling will cause irreparable damage. Doing this regularly will surely destroy your spouse?s soul and kill the marriage. Outright contempt has no place in a marriage.

5.??Divorce? or ?Breakup.??

Threatening to divorce or break-up, suggesting divorce as an option, or accusing your spouse of destroying the?marriage?will lead to just that. A divorce is a very serious decision, and using it as a weapon or method of control creates anxiety and despair. It?s not conducive for effective communication, conflict resolution, problem solving, or intimacy.

Take the time to think about the impact of your words before you speak to your spouse. Consider what you want to create with the communication. Create a powerful and loving intention rather than one that is meant to hurt, control, scare or push away the person youlove.

Find words that are conducive to creating intimacy. These might include phrases like, ?I notice that when I [blank], you react by [blank].?When you do [blank], I feel [blank].?It would mean a lot to me if you would [blank], because when you do, I feel [blank].? And: ?I want our marriage to feel good to both of us. How can we approach things in a way that makes us both feel heard, appreciated, accepted, and?loved??

Learning new ways of communicating and relating to each other is not easy.?Couples?get trapped into certain ways of relating that have been established early on in the relationship.

Contributed by YourTango.com, an online magazine dedicated to love, life and relationships. From dating to marriage, parenting to empty-nest, relationship challenges to relationship success, YourTango is at the center of the conversations that are closest to our over 7 million readers' hearts. With daily contributions from our Experts, we have a little something for everyone looking to create healthier lives. We're excited to offer our contributions to the PsychCentral community, and invite you to visit us on YourTango.com.

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????Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 21 May 2013
????Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Experts, Y. (2013). 5 Simple Words that Could Ruin Your Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 22, 2013, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/21/5-simple-words-that-could-ruin-your-relationship/

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Source: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/21/5-simple-words-that-could-ruin-your-relationship/

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