Preaching on Foster Care - Your Wish? - Adoption.com Forums

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Re: My rant about adoption, RAD, and religious guilt-tripping
? Reply #1 on: November 19, 2012, 01:00:03 am ?
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This rant is in response to a religious adoption blog trying to guilt folks into believing they are called to adopt. Adoption is a beautiful, wonderful thing IMHO. However, in the current thought of "the church," everyone should adopt because we're all called to care for orphans. While I agree that we're all called to care for them, I disagree strongly that everyone is called to adopt. It isn't always peaches and cream, and if you do it for the wrong reasons you will most likely regret it. Guilt is the wrong reason.

There are plenty of ways to help children without adopting You have to consider that children needing to be adopted often have a past that includes abuse, neglect, or other trauma. Many families have been destroyed because people jumped in without understanding the potential ramifications and were not prepared to deal with the challenges of raising a child with a trauma history.

One of the prime risks of early childhood neglect, abuse, or trauma is Reactive Attachment Disorder. Anyone considering adopting should be fully informed about this before proceeding. Most adopted kids do not develop RAD, but there's often no way of knowing beforehand which child will or will not turn out to have it. If your child does, early intervention is the best hope for successful treatment leading to the child's ability to develop normal attachments and fully integrate with your family.

RAD requires very different parenting techniques and styles. Normal parenting is based on the fact that children want to have a positive relationship with their parents. One of the prime symptoms of RAD is the child intentionally engaging in behaviors with the goal of PUSHING AWAY that normal attachment.

Rewards & punishments don't work. Sticker charts don't work. Appeals to logic and reasoning don't work. Parents who are living in the trenches become overwhelmed and frustrated because... nothing works. And then when they learn what does work - from professionals, developmental pediatricians, and therapists trained in attachment and adoption issues - everyone around them tries to "rescue" the child from what is often perceived to be a cold and cruel style of parenting.

Kids with RAD are often well behaved, well mannered, and super sweet in public - which leads to the perception that the parent must be the problem, not the child. Well-meaning friends, relatives, and even strangers undermine parenting techniques that they don't understand, which causes setbacks in treatment and more frustration for the parent.

And sometimes, it isn't an outsider who is deceived, but a spouse. These kids thrive on chaos, and getting Mom & Dad to argue with one another is a great achievement in their minds. This extreme stress an take a toll on marriages.

I could write pages and pages on the effects of RAD, because I am a parent in the trenches. My two girls both have it, though to different degrees and in different forms. I also see case-in-point examples in the comments left by others on my friends' posts quite frequently (and I hope some of those folks will check out the links below).

But my point in writing this isn't to cover every issue, but rather to wake folks up to the reality of it so they can do their own research and be fully prepared before jumping head first into adoption. Because at the end of the day, if you're doing it for the right reasons... you will WANT to be fully prepared to best HELP the child.

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?
Reactive attachment disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Reactive attachment disorder - MayoClinic.com
Reactive Attachment Disorder | American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry
Reactive attachment disorder of infancy or early childhood: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia

Where can I go for help, support, or to learn more about parenting a child with RAD?
Trauma Headquarters
RadKid.Org: Reactive Attachment Disorder & Detachment Issues
Attachment Disorder Site - providing hope and support.

NOTE: This post is public, so that everyone may see & share it.

Source: http://forums.adoption.com/foster-parent-support/412147-preaching-foster-care-your-wish.html

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